……Makes sense and maybe that’s the point. I hope it is. Because I’m tired of searching for a point to everything.
You know that saying?- “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.”
Yea, that’s a lie.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t exist.
My heart hurts, like, a lot lately.
I’m tired of it. I thought I was okay but I’m just not.
I’ve got my stones all in a row. Each one ready to be stepped upon and forgotten.
The earth takes these stones and hides them in her deep soil. The stones suffocate there and eventually stop being stones but begin to exist as something different. Now they’ve become one with the earth again and start all over.
“Oh, if a tree could wander
and move with foot and wings!
It would not suffer the axe blows
and not the pain of saws!
For would the sun not wander
away in every night
how could at every morning
the world be lighted up?
And if the oceans water
would not rise to the sky,
how would the plants be quickened
by streams and gentle rain?
The drop that left its homeland,
the sea, and then returned
It found an oyster waiting
and grew into a pearl.
Did Yusaf not leave his father,
in grief and tears and despair?
Did he not, by such a journey,
gain kingdom and fortune wide?
Did not the Prophet travel
to far Medina, friend?
And there he found a new kingdom
and ruled a hundred lands.
You lack a foot to travel?
Then journey into yourself!
And like a mine of rubies
receive the sunbeams print!
Out of yourself such a journey
will lead you to your self,
It leads to transformation
of dust into pure gold!”- Rumi
How in the world do people do it? I wanna know the secret. I’ve always felt as though I’m walking around in a bubble. No one else, just me. I just can’t seem to get things right. When one part of my life is going well another falters. I guess that is normal. No one’s got it ALL figured out right?!
“Lottando” is a word I’ve been saying in my head all day. It’s Italian for struggle. Lottando makes you stronger, causes you to change your views on things. Causes you to make changes within you.
I’m just blabbering now
My last week or so I’ve dealt with a lot from my past. It keeps creeping up on me slowly. Speaking to my birth father for the first time in years was very hard. All the baggage that comes along with sustaining a relationship with him seems to be not worth it. All the things I thought I’d forgiven him for have once again made a home in my heart, and I just don’t think I’m strong enough this time. He’s a taker. He takes and takes and gives nothing in return. I’m a lover. I love and love and get nothing in return. I think I’m gonna close that door again , lock it and throw away the key.
Easier said than done because no matter how much he hurts me I still love him. I mean he’s my father. Is that not the most fucked up thing?
Words by the great poet Emily Dickinson:
“Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.
It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.”- A poem from “The Collected Poems of Emily Dickinson”
I just can’t seem to get passed this. I’m constantly just breaking down. I think it’s because I never got closure. I’m the kind of person who needs to hear something in order for me to accept it. Just tell me to go away and I goddamn will.
Freaking heartbreak. I rather get stabbed in the stomach or punched in the face. At least the pain from that is something that can be numbed. Heartbreak, heartbreak is torture. It’s not being able to breath. Replaying the past and trying to figure out how you could have changed it. And being alone while your heart is being broken is THE absolute worst feeling in the world.
I know it’ll get easier. I know I wont always feel this sad, but I just wish I didn’t have to feel it at all. I wish I could go back to the first day that we spoke and un-speak. I wish I could go back to the first night we kissed and un kiss. Goddamn it and goddamn ME.
I hate being a girl.
I hate being THAT girl who gets all crazy over a boy who isn’t crazy over her.