Guess what I’ve discovered recently?
I’m a crazy person!
I’m full of passion, anger, jealousy and everything in between. Feels good to say it “out loud” on paper, on the Internet!
I’m learning to be okay with this. There are a few things that I would like to change but over all I’m pretty satisfied with this reality.
At a young age I was diagnosed with severe depression. About 6 months ago I had recently started taking new meds that my doctor suggested. I’m almost 100% positive that this is why I’ve been feeling the way I have. N0w I know it’s not the whole reason because there are a few things aside from that that I know have contributed to my recent state of mind.
About 5 days ago I decided to go off all meds completely. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so clear headed in my life. Normally I only have 2 reactions to situations that I’m faced with. I either get angry and sad and just burst into tears at any moment, or I just sorta ignore it and don’t have any feelings towards it or anything whatsoever.
I know I’m not cured but I’m actually able, for the first time, to seek alternative ways to approach my situation. And this is a comforting feeling!
In other news I’ve picked up a few new good habits.
Rock wall climbing. The first time I did this was with a group of extremely girly chicks and I was the only one not complaining about my make-up or my hair or my nails. Seriously? Who in their right mind would go to a rock gym and complain about those things? I don’t understand how they don’t feel embarrassed. Anyways, I love this new habit of mine.
Kayaking. This is something I’ve wanted to try forever and about a month ago I woke up one Saturday at like 6 am and said to myself. Hey. I’m going to go kayaking today. And I did. And I loved it. The only thing that scared the frick out of me was the fact that in Armond Bayou Park there are gators everywhere. It was just me alone in my kayak at 7 am in gator infested waters. Yowz.
That’s all she wrote.
for now at least.
I’ve got my stones all in a row. Each one ready to be stepped upon and forgotten.
The earth takes these stones and hides them in her deep soil. The stones suffocate there and eventually stop being stones but begin to exist as something different. Now they’ve become one with the earth again and start all over.
I just can’t seem to get passed this. I’m constantly just breaking down. I think it’s because I never got closure. I’m the kind of person who needs to hear something in order for me to accept it. Just tell me to go away and I goddamn will.
Freaking heartbreak. I rather get stabbed in the stomach or punched in the face. At least the pain from that is something that can be numbed. Heartbreak, heartbreak is torture. It’s not being able to breath. Replaying the past and trying to figure out how you could have changed it. And being alone while your heart is being broken is THE absolute worst feeling in the world.
I know it’ll get easier. I know I wont always feel this sad, but I just wish I didn’t have to feel it at all. I wish I could go back to the first day that we spoke and un-speak. I wish I could go back to the first night we kissed and un kiss. Goddamn it and goddamn ME.
I hate being a girl.
I hate being THAT girl who gets all crazy over a boy who isn’t crazy over her.
My mind is all blocked up lately. I can’t write things.
I like to read children’s books when that happens. All the rhyming words get my brain juices flowing.
Maybe I just need to be silent for a while. Retreat and recover.
This phrase keeps coming up in my daily activities. (Seemed like a good idea at the time)
Aaaaanyways. So a few things coming up that I’d like to get out of my brain.
THE BIG MOVE!:
July 15th I’ll be officially moved into my apartment in San Marcos. I’ve been questioning whether or not I should have waited until August but with all that I’ve been going through in my daily life lately the more eager I am to get out of here. Plus I need to find a job and get all settled, not to mention find a cool coffee shop to hang and do homework at 🙂
One of my fears is that I wont find a place to derby. I NEEED to skate. It’s like an addiction. I know I can skate the streets but I want to be involved in a team. Support and companionship is important to me on and off the rink. I desperately want to find a derby family. I’ve been thinking about the friendships I’ve made here over the last few months. Some of which I’m going to be so sad to leave.
Hmmm, my apartment is pretty badass. It’s a one bedroom with a patio. 1st floor, hardwoods and in a frigging awesome location. I can bike or walk to school. It’s literally right across the street. Also there is a nice little spring that I can jump into that is practically in my backyard.
I love meeting new people. I love new adventures and I love being on my own. Just me and my pup 🙂
I’m not here. Not here.
So I just heard through the grapevine that TC’s, the second oldest blues bar in Austin, Tx, is being bought out. This little hole in the wall blues bar has been one of the only sources for dirty, dirty blues music in the ATX for years.
Here is my experience with this little slice of blues heaven. It was 2006 and I had just moved to Austin. I was hitting the dating scene pretty hard and had decided, at the last minute, to meet a guy there who i’d met on one dating site or another. I had never met him in person but had spoken with him on the phone several times. He mentioned that this particular Monday he was going to be grabbing a bottle of wine and hitting up TC’s in East Austin to see a little blues band by the name of “Little Elmore Reed Blues Band.” My initial reaction was Hell no. I knew all about the East side and all it’s ghetto glory. About an hour after speaking with him I decided to just get off my ass and go. So I did. As I walked in the door a surge of heat hit my face quickly followed by the smell of a home cooked meal and sweaty bodies. I had to remind myself that it was in fact the year 2006 and that I wasn’t an extra on the set of the movie “Dirty Dancing.” Needless to say it was love at first sight, sound, smell…. basically every sensation. While I can hardly remember the guy, his name or if we even spoke 2 words to each other, I have him to thank for bringing this beautiful soul filled place into my life. I quickly became a regular and fell in love with “Tha bluuuuues.” I was hooked. TC’s was my drug and I continued to feed my fix every Monday for the rest of the next 2 years. I’ve since had to relocate myself to Houston but will be moving to San Marcos in July. I hope and pray with all of my blues lovin’ heart that with the selling of TC’s doesn’t mean that this magical place will disappear. It would be a true tragedy in the world of music and in the lives of a lot of people.