Whoooa. Been away for a while. Not having internet is weird… but mostly just inconvenient.
listless. That’s a pretty good word. Look it up if you don’t know it. Still in transition mode. Everyday can be a struggle if I choose it to be. Some days getting out of bed is the most difficult thing in my life and some it’s easy breezy.
This is all there will ever be. As long as I let it be.
So. I’ve been in writers block lately. I’m all mixed up in the head but happy as a clam as of lately!
Been thinking of my future and MY plans and the direction my life is actually taking. I can’t keep my mind from thinking about when I finally finish school. I want to travel everywhere. I think I want to move to a different country for a while I just don’t know where. I crave being in a city that is full of History and Art. Maybe I’ll go to Italy or Spain?! Being single… at least as of now, who knows what this next year will bring, is perfect for my future plans. If I do find the one for me I hope that he will have the same dreams as me…I guess if he doesn’t then he’s not the right one!
I’ve been getting sick lately. I go to the doc tomorrow to see what the deal is. I’m just severely tired all the time, have head aches all day and have an upset stomach to go along with all of that. I’m pretty sure that’s not normal.
Next Monday I’ll officially be a resident of the beautiful San Marcos Tx. I can’t wait! I’m going to miss my friends in Houston so much, especially the ones I’ve recently become closer with.
I like that I’m going to be in a city where I know practically no one. I’ve found my coffee shop though. Tantra is a pretty cool place where all the hippies go. They have fire spinners and belly dancing among other things. I long to find some derby chicks also. Even if I need to make a drive to ATX once a week! Although I’m not sure if I can hang with the Austin derby chicks. They’re pretty badass.
Here we go. This fits my current existence.
Sing it to me Bowie. You beautiful man you.
Guess what I’ve discovered recently?
I’m a crazy person!
I’m full of passion, anger, jealousy and everything in between. Feels good to say it “out loud” on paper, on the Internet!
I’m learning to be okay with this. There are a few things that I would like to change but over all I’m pretty satisfied with this reality.
At a young age I was diagnosed with severe depression. About 6 months ago I had recently started taking new meds that my doctor suggested. I’m almost 100% positive that this is why I’ve been feeling the way I have. N0w I know it’s not the whole reason because there are a few things aside from that that I know have contributed to my recent state of mind.
About 5 days ago I decided to go off all meds completely. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so clear headed in my life. Normally I only have 2 reactions to situations that I’m faced with. I either get angry and sad and just burst into tears at any moment, or I just sorta ignore it and don’t have any feelings towards it or anything whatsoever.
I know I’m not cured but I’m actually able, for the first time, to seek alternative ways to approach my situation. And this is a comforting feeling!
In other news I’ve picked up a few new good habits.
Rock wall climbing. The first time I did this was with a group of extremely girly chicks and I was the only one not complaining about my make-up or my hair or my nails. Seriously? Who in their right mind would go to a rock gym and complain about those things? I don’t understand how they don’t feel embarrassed. Anyways, I love this new habit of mine.
Kayaking. This is something I’ve wanted to try forever and about a month ago I woke up one Saturday at like 6 am and said to myself. Hey. I’m going to go kayaking today. And I did. And I loved it. The only thing that scared the frick out of me was the fact that in Armond Bayou Park there are gators everywhere. It was just me alone in my kayak at 7 am in gator infested waters. Yowz.
That’s all she wrote.
for now at least.
I’m still dumbfounded. I don’t understand the nature of a human being. You say one thing then do another. I guess I’m guilty of the same thing, I just don’t see when I’m doing it to others.
If I’ve done this to you, made you feel like you don’t matter, then I’m so very sorry.
I guess with heartache comes clarity… at least soon after you realize the extent of the heartache.
My head and heart are at war. Stupid heart. Just surrender.
I’m guessing the reason my heartache is so terrible is because it’s mixed with other terrible things that have happened over the past couple months. I don’t know. Either way I’m tired of it. I don’t think I can take one more second of it. I’m surrendering everything. I give up thinking that you feel the same as me. I’m done creating these scenarios in my head waiting for the day you realize what you’ve thrown away.
If all I am to you is a courtesy wave then that’s all you are to me. Nothing else.
Now get out of my head and let me be.
Something about gardening is so therapeutic. I’m planting flowers and cleaning out the weeds. Not to mention that I have to go outside and water them twice a day.
This has nothing to do with gardening but it’s on my mind so I’ve got to get it out.
I have a hard time letting go of things. I’ve realized this is why I’m so bitter towards those who are closest to me.
I’ve recently reconnected with my real father and it’s been really hard. I’ve had to confront him about a lot of things that happened to me as a young girl and I had to listen to him while he called me a liar. He’s since come to ACTUALLY listen to me and finally believe me. Now is the hard part. Deciding what to do about these things that happened so long ago. Do I take action or do I just leave it be?
I honestly have no idea. I’ve gone over the consequences for myself as well as the other person involved.
Which decision will actually help me to overcome this?
I don’t really believe that taking action will help me to reach any kind of peace but some people say otherwise. The fact that I’ve been able to actually say these things out loud to my dad has helped me more then I ever thought possible.
Could it be that telling him is the first and only step that I needed to take in order to heal? I mean I talk to him daily now and our relationship is improving with each phone call. My only hold up is that this bastard of a person who did these things to me could be doing them to others. I wish someone would tell me what to do.
You know that saying?- “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.”
Yea, that’s a lie.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t exist.
My heart hurts, like, a lot lately.
I’m tired of it. I thought I was okay but I’m just not.
I’ve got my stones all in a row. Each one ready to be stepped upon and forgotten.
The earth takes these stones and hides them in her deep soil. The stones suffocate there and eventually stop being stones but begin to exist as something different. Now they’ve become one with the earth again and start all over.