Monthly Archives: March 2010

Bleeding Flowers


Originally written 13 November 2007

I often avoid mirrors. Im afraid they will show me what I don’t want to see.
You see, I’ve built this image in my head of what I look like. Im not who I really am, Im…better.

Voices stop feeding my thoughts. Its almost unbareable.

Slow motion, fast motion, any motion
These thoughts control me with vicious rhetoric. Tell me what to do, what to believe.

They used to float above my head. They would occasionally swoop down to penetrate my mind, but I would quickly duck away. I feel like I need them now, to breath, to walk, to love?

I will never trust myself, let alone anyone else. I guess thats the price you pay for letting the voices in.

These thoughts are not mine.

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Oh Boy!


Originally written 03 December 2007

My breath catches in my chest when he is near

Sweaty palms

I feel like a child when I speak to him. A constant smile graces my face.

I want to let go and surrender but my past wont let me. It keeps reminding me that I dont deserve to have this. this. this happy feeling of being wanted by another.

Its always dark where I sit. That rain cloud has never let my hair dance in the wind.

Will he ever notice me, has he noticed me already?
I laugh the laugh. bat the eyes. say his name.


Suffocation


Originally written 03 January 2008

My life is off lately. I feel like its not real. Its that feeling you get right before something really bad happens.

silence. the silence is suffocating me.

Things are really shitty. We all go to our houses with air conditioning, beds, showers. We are all just waiting. What the hell are we waiting for?

What about the people who have nothing? Are they waiting for the same thing? Whatever it is?

I dont know anymore. I have no answers, no hope. My life is a vapor. Not really seen or felt by anyone. My heart is hardening.

Im bitter

Im lonely

Im a good actress, my whole life is one BIG play.

Oh well I will just close my eyes and wait for the next act


True Love


Originally written 03 January 2008

Your light extends from the sky, kissing my nose and the tips of my shoulders. I can feel your love!! You are reading my thoughts…..my fears, you capture them in your hands and then they rejoice in you.

Wow you are my love…you are mine and I am yours. You chose me!!

How can I turn away from your perfect unfailing love?

How will I face you?….when it is my turn. Im not worthy of this perfect love….I often misuse it, taking it for granted. I toss it in the back of my closet, and when I need it I take it out wear it for a while….when its convinient for me. No matter how many times I throw it away you give it back to me, brand new. Like a shiney new toy.

Gracious

merciful

beautiful

UNFAILING

The same…today, tomorrow and always!!

MY HEART IS CONTENT because I belong to you


Cold heart. Broken heart.


Originally written 04 January 2008

Ok, ok, so I let it down again.
That wall that I had built around my heart.

Wrong choices just lead to heartache.

Sweet words lead to sour lies.

Once again I have lost sight of why I am here. The comfort I need is there. All I need do is call out. When will we stop hurting each other? LIE-ing to each other.
Laying next to each other.

My head is thinking. it replays each word, each action.

It was an inevitable end. but surprise still taps my shoulder.

Friends are friends until they hurt you. until they lie to you. until they leave you.
You were a friend now your not.

Its just another reason to add to my lack of trust in people that surround me.


There’s nothing like it…


Originally written 15 January 2008

Sitting, laying just me.
The vinyl spinning.

My thoughts swimming in my head. Some synchronized. Some not.
Sometimes these thoughts are so persuasive, that I can feel them rumbling around in my tummy.
The rumbling wont stop until I get them out.

It’s like when I am about to start reading a book. I can’t handle reading the preface. I feel like the story is going to start without me.


Same


Originally written 07 April 2008

monotonous, monogamy.

Is this how it’s supposed to be?
Everyday just the same.

To live to breath, run, fall, call, stall.

We want it all. What exactly do we want?
What exactly are we working for.

We work to live, and live to die. It’s one big lie.

The only thing that changes is the music in the background.
Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend I am sound. I float and gloat. I pass through everyones ears telling them what to feel, what to think. Who to love who to hate.

Then time stops. The music stops and I am back in that place.

monotonous, monogamy.
it’s the same
it’s the same
it’s the ame
the aim
the aim
Is this how it’s supposed to be?
everyday just the same.

work to live, and live to die. It’s all just one big lie. One big lie. One big lie.

Why even try?